10/31/12

I avert my eyes from the tragedy unfolding all around me; as to not go blind from the swelling tears that are forcing their way out. My sense of purpose has been stolen from me. It was one of the only things keeping me going for this long. There is now a massive void in my life, and I am lost, and forced to start over from scratch. It’s easy to fall into a dark spiral of desperation when the debts start mounting like a crushing wall. That old familiar pain is back; just below my left shoulder blade. It appears when my stress is at an unacceptable level. I procrastinate talking to my landlord, and I hide from bill collectors. It’s getting where I am even paranoid at home now. What I wouldn't give to go back and have the foresight to put away a rainy day fund, because it’s raining in my life right now. In fact, it’s flooding and my head is just above the water…I have survived black days before, but usually they were self-induced and by my own devices. This time is different. This time I truly don’t believe I deserve the hardships I am going to have to endure. And I can’t bare the thought of dragging my family down with me. They depend on me, and I am letting them all down. Having no reason to get up in the mornings really puts your day in perspective. The urge to fall completely apart is overwhelming, but I don’t have that luxury. I must press onward and make sense of my life again. I suppose I have to take on a new and different personality and identify again. Figuring that out is my purpose at the moment… While I figure out what the hell I’m going to do, maybe I can start on that book I’ve always wanted to write… Just a thought...