Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Gray

Colors don't look the same today as I look through this prism of gray...
My favorite songs sound muffled and dull, as I struggle through my day...
TV has lost it's luster, and nothing seems real anymore...
I've been talking to the voice in my head, as I lie on the cold, hard floor...
I was never much for suicide because tomorrow is another day. If tomorrow is just like today, then what's the cause for delay?

Monday, December 15, 2014

Monday night

As I make my decent down the mountain, I see the lights of the hellish little town below. This is not my home. I sink into unhappiness as I make my way ever closer. It's just cold and rainy enough to make it miserable. This seems like such a long nightmare. I feel like I will never wake up. I'm holding on to some futile hope that one day I can return home, but with every passing day that hope fades a little more. Perhaps I don't deserve to ever go home again. Maybe this is my lowly fate. I feel that I'm on the brink of madness every day. I cry a little prayer, then off to sleep, to live in the realm of improbable possibilities...

Friday, December 12, 2014

Alone



I catch myself smiling, when I realize it’s all a dream…

A tear wells in my eye, and then the tear turns to a stream…

I sleep a lot because where I sleep you are still real…

It’s something to hold on to… Something no one can steal…

I find myself talking to your ghost in the brisk, winter night…

I run frantically from my lies… I run until I’m out of sight…

I’m a hollow, empty shell; aimless and alone...


I beg for forgiveness, things to which I can't atone…

I know I'm on my own now and there's nothing I can do...

Just remember I was once here, and that I'll always love you...

 
 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Low


I don’t want to live without you… I have never been this low…
Christmas seems cold and lonely, and I just want to go…
Nothing gives me pleasure, and smiles are only lies…
I wish the sun would filter through all my gray skies…
I know I am the cause of all my problems, and to fix them is too late…
I won’t make it through the day choking on all this hate…
I don’t blame you for leaving, and I know all my chances have been spent…
Even as I write these empty words, there is no real way to vent…
I’m not trying to gain attention, so don’t feel sorry for me…
I’ll die here from a broken heart, for from myself I cannot flee…

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Just another day

I am obsessed with prison documentaries lately. I stay up until 3 in the morning watching them. During the day I listen to an obscure Minnesota radio show, which takes me away from my current situation, and lets me pretend I live somewhere else. I've been trying to take long walks around the golf course to clear all the static in my scrambled mind. I am simply lost. I don't belong here. My life has been turned upside down, and my hope is fleeting. Three times a week I go to outpatient group therapy with a room of equally messed up people. We talk about our various issues and problems, usually to no avail, but I guess it helps. I desperately want just a taste of normalcy. I want to awaken from this nightmare, in my own bed. I am so deeply disappointed and angry for all my foolishness, I routinely use myself as a punching bag. The world would have forgiven me more if I had died in a terrible car crash. Perhaps if I had lost a long battle with a terminal illness, or some other more noble death; but not like this. I might as well be dead at this point, because I have lost everything worth living for, and I lost it all for no good reason...

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Condemned

As I stand in the pale moonlight, I see the fast-moving clouds casting eerie shadows on the quite valley below. I sigh with a despondent breath and think about my disposable life. I discarded my fragile family like a fast food bag thrown from a speeding car. I casually lost my mind as I burnt my fingers on the ice-cold can. I can still taste the bitter chemicals as I struggle to breathe. I can still hear the heavy, doors lock solidly behind me, as I pace aimlessly within the small, concrete cage. I can hear my daughters voice quietly singing her favorite song. I can see the desperation in my wife's concerned eyes. Only when the exhaustion totally takes over, can I briefly sleep. I pathetically and silently cry a little prayer up to God, but after his last reprieve, he doesn't answer; not anymore. I awaken to my miserable surroundings; and see the Christmas decorations... How perfect... All my disgust and anger is laser-focused inward. From some mistakes you cannot recover, or forgive yourself. Some mistakes are like tattoos on your face that you got in the sober, bright mid-morning. These are mistakes that can never be erased, forgotten, or forgiven. I have condemned myself to a life sentence of regret. I look around for someone else to blame, but I am as alone as any one person can be. I am destined to remain in solitary confinement for the rest of my pitiful days; for the keys to my salvation lie where I threw them... Just out of reach...

Monday, December 01, 2014

Lost

It's those little things that ruin your life...
Your mind reeling, searching frantically  for some semblance of why...
Watching your life slide away in the fast-moving landslide of stupidity.
You find yourself alone with your selfish, empty thoughts, as you finally realize that you're an utter idiot.
You stand in the warm ashes of your  destroyed life wondering what the hell happened.
Your mouth agape, and in shock, as your little world crumbles around you.
There are too many pieces to pick up this time.
You are a broken mess, and the only one that is to blame stares blankly back from the ugly mirror.
You lost your rope, and ripped up your map right before you leapt into the unforgiving wilderness.
You threw away all chances of salvation over and over again...
Even now that you're free from your shackles, you remain imprisoned within your own idiotic decisions, and nothing can change that...
You are lost, and as it looks, it must have been by design, because no one makes such blatant mistakes repeatedly unless they want to be lost...
With the exception of major brain damage, there is no excuse for such stupidity.

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Rising Fawn, GA, United States
I am student of life, poet, writer, musician, and a part-time philosopher. I have four daughters, a son in college, and two small dogs...