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Friday, May 25, 2018

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Where do I go from here?
I'm confused and lost...
Weathered from the artificial storms I have created...
Going to meetings with others who are trying to remain calm...
I squirm and fidget, fighting the urges to escape this dingy reality...
I made promises that seem impossible to keep...
Daddy is going to do better this time...
It's like I promised to hold my breath for 90 days...
I wrestle with myself in the morning, yell at myself in the afternoon, and threaten bodily harm at night...
Why can't I awaken in the morning and have of this lifted?
Maybe better sometimes to not wake up at all....



 

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Waffle House


As I slowly walk from my cheap motel to a gas station to buy toothpaste, I see a dude sleeping on the pavement. You would think my reaction would be at least I'm not in that positon, but it wasn't. I felt the man sleeping on the pavement was in a very similar situation as myself. Alone. My solitude stems from bad, selfish choices. I have never felt more alone or lost in my life. I have no one to blame other than myself. I sit at a Waffle House at 7:00 am drinking coffee and people watching. I notice a father and son casually eating and talking. These little glimpses of normality make my life seem that much more empty. The guy sleeping on the pavement probably woke up this morning, and is somewhere being happier than me today...

Monday, May 07, 2018

When


What will they be saying when they lay me down?
Will it rain or be cold when they lower me in the ground?
In a few years will they remember me?
Just another wave upon an endless sea...
Will it happen on a Saturday?
Will it happen in June or May?
Will there be a crowd or just a few?
Remember when I said I love you?
Does it really matter when it's all said and done?
I just hope sometimes you think we had some fun...

What's it Like?


"Everyone has problems", I think to myself as a screaming ambulance passes me...
It was presumably rushing off to help an unforeseen accident or illness, thus disrupting someone's "normal" day...
Sometimes I feel like a phantom looking in at the real world from far outside...
Like a weightless observer, peering in on the hustling, speeding chaos below...
 What is it like to be "normal"?
Everyone has their version of that word, but I mean it as the guy buying grass seed at Home Depot with his 12 year old son on Saturday afternoon "normal".
Faced with the loss of everything, I stand incapable of change...
What's it like to not fight with yourself on a daily basis?
What's it like to not sabotage relationships, make horrible choices, or destroy everything you touch?
I have been out here so long now it's hard to remember what the real world is really like anymore...
I don't say these things to gain sympathy, nor am I trying to be over dramatic. I really want to know...
I am so dysfunctional I am not sure what functional even means...
So tell me... What's it like?

 

Monday, April 30, 2018

Believe


I don't believe in Jesus...
Life is what it is...
God didn't write the bible;
wise words but not his...
You say you're going to heaven...
I am truly happy for you...
I hope doctors find the soul
amid all the grey tissue...
I wish I could believe that life will be all right...
I wish I could believe that without darkness there's no light...
I see the happy people singing in the pews...
Glorious, righteous, Sunday afternoons...
Fellowship and dinners and discussions with the youth...
My guilt pulses with regret like an impacted tooth...
So we can't be friends because our Santa's don't match?
I keep searching for life's escape, but there is no escape hatch... 




Monday, April 09, 2018

Pathetic


I sneak and slither in the darkness
I steal, lie, and waste
I ravenously eat the candy
It's the rush not the taste

I live for the high
Yet feel nothing but low
I'd pretend to be alive
 but why put on a show

For your enjoyment here is the liar
Here is the lowliest of thieves
Here is what they tell you not to be
Only through deception I achieve












Friday, March 30, 2018

Spring Again


The passing landscape looks like a Monet painting. 
Tiny light green leaves...
Violet trees, as if a fine brush has painted the spring...
The air is cool and sweet with rebirth...
Our green lawns drink their fill of the abundant rain...
The days become longer and the mornings steady...
Flowers start to open like newborn eyes...
And our souls breathe a sigh of relief...


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I am student of life, father, poet, published author, musician, and a part-time philosopher.