Wall

I see the writing on the wall...

It's not subtle lettering that blends in, where you have to ponder its meaning.

It's loud, bold, neon colored graffiti that you can't possibly miss.

There is no ambiguity or room for misinterpretation; and yet I still procrastinate 

and meander around like things aren't about to change.
Does it literally take a ton of bricks to fall on me before I realize what's going on?

I should have known something was up when a blind guy slipped me a note today.

It read: OPEN YOUR EYES

Empty

I can still smell the musty clothes and particle board where the carpet was in this stale, empty room...
The humidity from last night's rain just adds to the dreary hollowness now...
The radio plays some static-laden, long forgotten song, and I sigh...
I sigh from the bitter emptiness and lack of laughter that is utterly apparent now...
I think back to the cold stares and my paranoid facination with the inevitable end...
The neglected trash bags in the corner give off a sweet and horrible stench...
My motivation has wandered off with my passion and they are probably half-way to Mexico by now...

My Fugacious Life

When you finally think things are going well, you wake up with your bags packed.You realize your semi-stable life is actually a volatile volcano that could erupt at any moment. This house is filled with hatred, disdain, no respect, and pure resentment. The underlying, damaging current isn't something that simply disappears, even if it seems placid for a week or so; it's always there, ready to drag you under. Don't get too comfortable anywhere you are, for the bridges you have burned, and the hearts you have broken never fully heal. That shiny dagger of revenge is always a few inches from your throat...I should keep a bag packed by the door just in case they all turn on me, and force me to leave some fateful day. It wouldn't be the first time. But this time, I would never be able to return. Regret is my lone friend in this world; never leaving my side. I am existing in this empirical world, proven and tested by pain... Living a conditional, provisional life; I am in an urgent state of non-complacency, and at this point, everyone is seemingly pointing at the exit; coaxing me through... The scary part is, I'm starting to think perhaps I should edge my way toward that door. After all, why stay somewhere you're not welcome...

Normalacy

Photo from my backyard 5/14/12

The dreams have subsided, and now things are getting back to normal (such as they are)... I realize that no matter what happens, things seem to always return to normal at some point. Sometimes it seems that I will live in chaos indefinitely, but it can't rain forever... The sun must again rise, and the darkness must return back to wince it came... Today I welcome the mundane problems of life. The worst thing that happened to me today (so far) was a blow-out on the Interstate with no spare. Before, I would have thought of this as a huge issue, but after last month, this is just an inconvenience... My perspective has drastically changed...

Insomnia

When you have acute insomnia, you're not really asleep or awake. You are trapped within that fine line of diluted reality and opaque dreams. When you have re-occurring dreams of a horrific nature, and they become more vivid and terrifying each night, your desire to sleep diminishes. The only way I've slept at all in the past few nights is out of pure exhaustion. This snake creature gets a little more realistic every night. It seems to be mocking me, as it blows kisses at me, and devours my poor father night after night. They say re-occurring dreams are either a result of severe trauma, or a sign of the early onset of insanity. I'm sure stress is playing a huge role in all of this, but the less I sleep, the worse it becomes. Sleep deprivation is extremely dangerous to ones psyche. I really need to get some good R.E.M. sleep minus this snake... Maybe tonight... Hopefully tonight...

Dreams

Art By: Alex Hoover

I had a dream last night of a giant snake with a human mouth and no eyes. The massive grinning serpent gently kissed my father on the forehead, and then began to swallow him whole. I fought with it, trying desperately to pull him from the monster's gripping jaws, to no avail. Subconsciously I think this embodies two of my worst fears; ophidiophobia and necrophobia. A fear of snakes... A fear of losing loved ones... Fear... It seems I am nothing but the sum of all my fears lately...It's getting close to the first anniversary of my father's death. I think with all the recent stress I've endured lately, these uneasy feelings are starting to manifest themselves into horrifying nightmares. I am typically not one to have vividly real nightmares, but insomnia is setting in, and with insomnia comes horrible dreams, when you finally do get a few moments of sleep that is. Hopefully this will subside soon, because I really don't like waking up at 3:45 AM in a cold sweat. At that time of day, it's difficult to tell the difference between dream and reality.

Peace?

Do you ever feel like nothing you do matters? Like tomorrow will just be a mundane replica of today? Like you have no control of your life, or your current direction is unchangeable? The older I get, the more I realize how little I actually know. Being extremely inquisitive plus obsessive compulsive, I ask myself questions in which there are no answers, thus driving me to the brink of insanity. Everything always seems so severe and urgent. Have you ever leaned back in your chair, and you almost fall, but you catch yourself at the last minute? I feel like that 90% of the time. Sometimes I think if my life was drama-free, and there wasn't constant chaos (manufactured or not), I wouldn't know what to do... I always wish for total peace and harmony, but that would probably drive me crazy too... A happy medium is something that either doesn't exist, or something that I subconsciously don't want...