Just another day

I am obsessed with prison documentaries lately. I stay up until 3 in the morning watching them. During the day I listen to an obscure Minnesota radio show, which takes me away from my current situation, and lets me pretend I live somewhere else. I've been trying to take long walks around the golf course to clear all the static in my scrambled mind. I am simply lost. I don't belong here. My life has been turned upside down, and my hope is fleeting. Three times a week I go to outpatient group therapy with a room of equally messed up people. We talk about our various issues and problems, usually to no avail, but I guess it helps. I desperately want just a taste of normalcy. I want to awaken from this nightmare, in my own bed. I am so deeply disappointed and angry for all my foolishness, I routinely use myself as a punching bag. The world would have forgiven me more if I had died in a terrible car crash. Perhaps if I had lost a long battle with a terminal illness, or some other more noble death; but not like this. I might as well be dead at this point, because I have lost everything worth living for, and I lost it all for no good reason...