“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” – Edgar Allen Poe
As a preface, I will outline events and experiences that have ultimately led me to the last ten years of my life. By the end, I will have generalized and highlighted various stories about my journey. The most real and life-altering events happened over the course of the last ten years. I have had a lifetime of things that have formed me into the person I am today. I think in the past ten years, I have lived two lifetimes. As extreme and insane my entire life has been as a whole, I can honestly say that from about 2001- 2012, things have happened that I never thought possible. Some instances I honestly didn’t think I would live through; while others where filled with unimaginable joys. I know one thing for sure. It is a miracle I am still on this earth and am able to convey the following story.
I am convinced that we are the sum of our actions and experiences. I think the things that happen to us mold our personalities. How we are raised, geography, genetics, and of course, money, is directly responsible for how our lives turn out. Yes, we have choices, personal responsibility, a moral compass, and freewill, but our environment is also an element that affects our failures or successes. I have had many failures in my life, but the majority of them were by my own devices. I have also had some triumphs that were a direct result of luck. I’m not blaming my genetics, fate, Karma, geography, or the way I was raised for the way I turned out; but I do concede to the fact that these things have all played a role in the path my life has taken.
I have always been a dreamer with slight delusions of grandeur. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression or obsessive compulsive disorder, but I have the symptoms. I’m not one of those people that incessantly wash their hands, or turn the lights on and off seven times when entering a room. Mine is different. I am addicted to schedules. If I get used to going to a certain store, or taking a certain route somewhere, my day is ruined if that schedule changes in any way. It gets to the point that I don’t even have to ask for things in a store or my regular fast food place. They know what I want before I even get there. If nothing else, I am very predictable.
I am emotionally unstable at best, but I think everyone has the potential to fall into a rabbit hole and check out of reality at some point. It all depends on if we outwardly express our feelings or suppress them. Have you ever thought you had lost everything in your life? Have you ever imagined standing on the ledge of a high building? You stand there with your hands raised out to your sides; the wind gently blowing your hair. You close your eyes, and leap into the abyss; leaving all your troubles and sorrows behind on that ledge. You are finally free; flying with open arms into the quickly rising ground. Maybe that’s just me.
Don’t get me wrong; I have experienced wonderful and profound elations in my life. I have participated in the births of all three of my children. I finally found true love in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful, colorful family. I have felt God; but I have also been running from the darkness that has always wanted to consume me. My life has been filled with constant battles between darkness and light. I still struggle on a daily basis, but I am slowly getting back the feeling that I was meant to do something significant in this life. I have escaped death too many times for it to be coincidence. There IS a reason for my existence. I just wish I knew what it was.
I have always questioned why we are here. What is our purpose on this planet? Are we really all just in an ant farm in a kids’ bedroom somewhere? Does anything we do really matter in the grand scheme of things? These are questions I have asked myself a million times over my life. I know there is no answer that my puny little mind could grasp anyway, but nonetheless, I have always looked at the stars and pondered such things. Maybe I really am crazy. Maybe I am the sane one in an insane society. Does it really matter? The fact remains; I live in my own little world, and have always tried to ignore the ugly reality that resides right outside my window. Escaping reality has been a focal point in my life for so long; I think I’ve lost touch with it completely. I’m not sure which is worse; my reality, or actual reality. At this point I am having trouble distinguishing between the two.
As a preface, I will outline events and experiences that have ultimately led me to the last ten years of my life. By the end, I will have generalized and highlighted various stories about my journey. The most real and life-altering events happened over the course of the last ten years. I have had a lifetime of things that have formed me into the person I am today. I think in the past ten years, I have lived two lifetimes. As extreme and insane my entire life has been as a whole, I can honestly say that from about 2001- 2012, things have happened that I never thought possible. Some instances I honestly didn’t think I would live through; while others where filled with unimaginable joys. I know one thing for sure. It is a miracle I am still on this earth and am able to convey the following story.
I am convinced that we are the sum of our actions and experiences. I think the things that happen to us mold our personalities. How we are raised, geography, genetics, and of course, money, is directly responsible for how our lives turn out. Yes, we have choices, personal responsibility, a moral compass, and freewill, but our environment is also an element that affects our failures or successes. I have had many failures in my life, but the majority of them were by my own devices. I have also had some triumphs that were a direct result of luck. I’m not blaming my genetics, fate, Karma, geography, or the way I was raised for the way I turned out; but I do concede to the fact that these things have all played a role in the path my life has taken.
I have always been a dreamer with slight delusions of grandeur. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression or obsessive compulsive disorder, but I have the symptoms. I’m not one of those people that incessantly wash their hands, or turn the lights on and off seven times when entering a room. Mine is different. I am addicted to schedules. If I get used to going to a certain store, or taking a certain route somewhere, my day is ruined if that schedule changes in any way. It gets to the point that I don’t even have to ask for things in a store or my regular fast food place. They know what I want before I even get there. If nothing else, I am very predictable.
I am emotionally unstable at best, but I think everyone has the potential to fall into a rabbit hole and check out of reality at some point. It all depends on if we outwardly express our feelings or suppress them. Have you ever thought you had lost everything in your life? Have you ever imagined standing on the ledge of a high building? You stand there with your hands raised out to your sides; the wind gently blowing your hair. You close your eyes, and leap into the abyss; leaving all your troubles and sorrows behind on that ledge. You are finally free; flying with open arms into the quickly rising ground. Maybe that’s just me.
Don’t get me wrong; I have experienced wonderful and profound elations in my life. I have participated in the births of all three of my children. I finally found true love in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful, colorful family. I have felt God; but I have also been running from the darkness that has always wanted to consume me. My life has been filled with constant battles between darkness and light. I still struggle on a daily basis, but I am slowly getting back the feeling that I was meant to do something significant in this life. I have escaped death too many times for it to be coincidence. There IS a reason for my existence. I just wish I knew what it was.
I have always questioned why we are here. What is our purpose on this planet? Are we really all just in an ant farm in a kids’ bedroom somewhere? Does anything we do really matter in the grand scheme of things? These are questions I have asked myself a million times over my life. I know there is no answer that my puny little mind could grasp anyway, but nonetheless, I have always looked at the stars and pondered such things. Maybe I really am crazy. Maybe I am the sane one in an insane society. Does it really matter? The fact remains; I live in my own little world, and have always tried to ignore the ugly reality that resides right outside my window. Escaping reality has been a focal point in my life for so long; I think I’ve lost touch with it completely. I’m not sure which is worse; my reality, or actual reality. At this point I am having trouble distinguishing between the two.
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